Finding True Love

Finding True Love

Finding true love is an important part of having a full and satisfying life. True love is not a fantasy. It exists, but it is not always an easy thing to find. Here is what others have learned in the way of eight important questions to ask in a search for true love:

Do you know what true love is?

It is difficult to find something if you don't know exactly what it is you are looking for. Most of us start out looking for a love that really isn't vaguely related to the quality of true love. And, in order to find true love we have to become truly lovable ourselves, which may take considerable time and effort for some of us. The difficulty in knowing what true love is lies in the reality that you have to have it before you know what it is. This makes the quest a catch-22 situation.

The only solution to this dilemma is to keep an open mind. This means to avoid your normal tendency to line up preconceived expectations about what true love might or might not be and just wait and see. Much of the problem is the once in a lifetime, Romeo and Juliet romantic nature of true love portrayed by literature and movies. The few things the experts can say about true love are: (1) true love is what you want it to be (2) it is a love that continuously evolves and (3) you must let go completely to find it. This takes much trust, self-awareness, confidence and open-mindedness to suspend all prejudgments. The very act of letting go can even change the perception of seeing something you didn't think you had.

Are you looking for or are you with the right person? In looking back, I can see my own main problem was in wrong mate selection and this is quite common. The first question you have to ask may be the most difficult one and that is whether or not you are looking for or are with the right person. If you are not, you are probably just fooling yourself that you can be happy and content in the relationship. Such a relationship can go past the point of no return before you realize it. Then you may be stuck with the impossible choice of staying in a dissatisfying relationship or suffering the consequences that may be involved with getting out of it. To avoid this, you must make the right selection in the first place, something few of us get right in the beginning.

From my experience, true love is mutuality and compatibility in all the critical areas of life- physical, social, intellectual, emotional, vocational and spiritual. You really do want everything, so why settle for anything less? Incompatibility of any sort in these key areas is the source of dissatisfaction or even arguing, which may eventually lead to the relationship's undoing.

 I believe whoever came up with the adage, "opposites attract" must have been trying to rationalize incompatibility. How can there be anything but unhealthy unrest between an optimist and pessimist, a rationally minded person and an emotionally driven one, an over-controlled person and a free spirit, or a neat freak and slob? True love is positive and whole and requires your full, healthy self. Anything short of your best won't get it in finding true love.

Are you inner driven enough?

Are you as likable and lovable as you can be? True love requires you to know yourself and pay attention to your own shortcomings. Too often we approach relationships with the intention of making the other person into what we want him or her to be. We over-focus on the other person's unlikability or unlovability instead of our own. This approach is doomed to failure and can only result in unnecessary frustration. Plus it is a very unfair way to relate to another human being. This is not treating others in a way we want to be treated. We demand our own right to be and do what we want and giving that same right to others is only fair.

 Continuous, natural self-improvement is what stokes the fire of true love. When one or both partners stop growing, there are problems in the making. Of course improvements have to be completely willful and not subtly imposed by the other partner. Whenever you feel completely free to change for the better, you do.

Do you know what you want and need?

You have to combine what you think you want with what you may really need and get them both in a truly loving relationship. Obviously this requires some astute self-awareness, especially regarding what your semi-conscious needs may be. Sometimes you have needs you are not even aware of. This makes mate selection complicated and almost experimental, unless of course you do some self-exploration beforehand.

When you want beauty, brains and money, and need good communication and emotional health and get what you want but not what you need, unhappiness will eventually take over the relationship. Even when you are getting everything you want, small unsatisfied needs have a way of gaining the spotlight in your attention.

Do you understand the rational and irrational side of love?

 True love is both rational and irrational. There are definitive things you like about the other person and then there are some intangible, almost mystical things that draw you to him or her uncontrollably like a magnet. Such a whole, fulfilling true love is being generated from both the right and left hemispheres of the brain. This is why true love inspires such creativity and productivity and fills your void. It is the point when your head and heart finally stop fighting and start agreeing.

Because true love is both rational and irrational, it is also paradoxical in its strength and fragility. But the power and effect of true love is what holds it together.<span> </span> True love helps you to be your best and that includes expanding your sensitivity to the other person and always doing the right things that nurture rather than destroy the relationship. The relationship is delicate but enduring.

Are you tolerant enough?

Intolerance and complaining about the other person's shortcomings gets us nowhere. Every one us have our share of bad habits and undesirable traits, which we are not going to change. Complaining to the other person about impervious conditions isn't fair or productive. Tolerance of these things is necessary for even the healthiest of relationships to survive. This is especially true after you've been together for a while and can easily lose perspective in seeing the important things that drew you toward your mate.

The object is to distinguish between what behavior you should and shouldn't tolerate with the other person. Again though, there is nothing to be intolerant of in true love. Such love opens up your understanding of why the other person acts a certain way and makes acceptance and tolerance much easier. At the same time true love inhibits behavior that shouldn't be tolerated. When you give and receive true love, inappropriate behavior isn't even an option.

Do you laugh enough?

 Most things in life aren't meant to be taken too seriously. A quick trip to the zoo will verify that fact. How can anyone take a giraffe, orangutan or hippopotamus seriously? If you can't take time every day to find something funny enough to make you laugh, the negatives in life and your relationship will soon have too much room and freedom to over-influence how you generally feel. Negativity can drain the life out of budding true love all to quickly.

 On the other hand, working together to solve the few tragedies in life that deserve our attention, can be an excellent way to bond as soul mates. This is also a nice way to say, "thank you" for having found true love.

Are you spiritually yoked?

An important part of true love is spiritual maturity. If you and the other person have conflicting moral, religious or spiritual differences, there is probably a basic distrust between your souls that will undermine any attempts to grow together. The same is true with uneven spiritual growth.<span> </span> Part of finding true love is being at the same time and place as the other person. True love can certainly build spirituality, but a certain amount of spirituality has to be present before you can find true love.

 Celebrating together spiritually is the most appropriate way to be thankful for your love.There is also a positive upwardly spiraling circle that occurs. This spiritual union will also increase your love, which increases your joy. This motivates you to increase your lovablity, which in turn increases the love you get in return and so on. True love does make the world go round.

 True love is real, but it takes courage, open-mindedness and much work to find. You start the quest by asking the above eight questions.