The city lights, dazzling and wondrous to the passengers in the backseats were piercing and scorching his already tortured eyes. Even Frankie Crocker who had just finished another parable and was about to start playing Issac Hayes on WBLS could not soothe his ears from the cacophony of the streets. He had been driving for over 10 hours, and the end was not yet in sight. Somehow, he, who just a few short months ago, was running a $10 million Blue Jean business; somehow, he, who just a few short months ago would have been helicopterring to his Westhampton home; somehow, he was driving two tourists to a real Greenwich Village dive on this summer Friday night. Somehow, he was driving a taxi in New York City.
His mind drifted back to when he came up to her at the overcrowded and hyper heated disco and said'" Do you always do everything with such precision, form and control?" At first she was mad, agitated and totally indifferent. But then she looked into his eyes, and, he knew that something told her that there was something more to this than a good pick-up line. He could see that she was becoming bemused and finally amused and he was not nearly as amazed as she was to hear her respond, "Everything, except when I organism" and she lowered her voice and her head and softy added; 'But, that isn't very often." They were married three days later. They had five children and were living a fairy-tale life… The shrill of another taxi's horn shocked him back to the reality of the moment; Somehow, he was driving a taxi in New York City.
14 months earlier-
He had made the appointment to see his father-in-law secretly from his wife. As he laid next to her, his only true lover he ever felt he had or ever would have or need and the mother of his four daughters and one son, he was plotting and scheming how he was going to get the $2,900 he needed for the bookie. He had just rebuked her very direct advance for a sexual encounter- for the first time either could, when later recounting that night, remember. It was not the first time he thought he would not get or maintain an erection; but, it was the first time when lying next to her. His feigned headache was not so much not a reality, in reality; but, was all that he could muster up as his mind was searching for some way to, somehow come up with the money as he knew his luck would change this week. His mind was being to stutter just as he had so often in his early childhood while trying to speak. The feeling of shame, inadequacy, and humiliation was the same. And, just as he could not show these emotions as that child; he could not, now, show anything he was feeling to his wife. His mind was ablaze with the same self- abuse and self debasement, again, and, he thought, 'why not, he deserved to be abused' for what he had done and was about to do
Loneliness shrouded and consumed him as he lay next to the only person he had ever felt safe with, loved by and whom he loved and needed. He was next to her, breathing her scent and essence and felt totally alone. Somehow, he had betrayed himself, again. Somehow, he was about to betray her and their bond, Somehow...
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Comments: 7
Been there so many times, well done my friend
Flash Fiction has an upper limit of 500 words; you've used 585. It's my belief that if you eliminated all unnecessary words would reduce the piece to well under the limit. One example: "But then she looked into his eyes, and, he knew that something told her that there was something more to this than a good pick-up line." Would it in any way change the story if it read "But then she looked into his eyes. He knew that something told her this was more than a good pick-up line." That reduces the number of words by 25%.
There are a few puctuation errors and "helicopterring" has only one "r" but doesn't appear in many dictrionaries. But what I found most difficult is the many long sentences, most of which were awkward and difficult to understand. That my say more about my reading abilities than the sentences so take it for waht ever it's worth. It's good to vary the length of sentences and longer ones sometime help. But I find that too long or too many of them make for difficult reading. As example:
"Somehow, he, who just a few short months ago, was running a $10 million Blue Jean business; somehow, he, who just a few short months ago would have been helicopterring to his Westhampton home; somehow, he was driving two tourists to a real Greenwich Village dive on this summer Friday night. " - 51 words
"He could see that she was becoming bemused and finally amused and he was not nearly as amazed as she was to hear her respond, "Everything, except when I organism" and she lowered her voice and her head and softy added; 'But, that isn't very often." - 46 words
"As he laid next to her, his only true lover he ever felt he had or ever would have or need and the mother of his four daughters and one son, he was plotting and scheming how he was going to get the $2,900 he needed for the bookie." 49 words and awkward.
"His feigned headache was not so much not a reality, in reality; but, was all that he could muster up as his mind was searching for some way to, somehow come up with the money as he knew his luck would change this week." - 44 words and very awkward particularly the "not so much not a reality, in reality;"
Some of the shorter sentences also seemed awkward to me:
"He had just rebuked her very direct advance for a sexual encounter- for the first time either could, when later recounting that night, remember."
"His mind was ablaze with the same self- abuse and self debasement, again, and, he thought, 'why not, he deserved to be abused' for what he had done and was about to do"
I hope I haven't been more critical than you bargained for. I know how difficult it is to share your work and ask for honest crtitcism. I hope you consider this an effort to help as it's intended.
Laurence
I like the direction and layout of it. one of the best passages: "His mind was ablaze with the same self- abuse and self debasement, again, and, he thought, 'why not, he deserved to be abused' for what he had done and was about to do" Establishes really strong depth of feeling to the character and in the character.
I stumbled over helicopterring. It was awkward to the language centers of my brain and had me wondering if people really say that, or what popular terms might exist? For your consideration, how about heli-commuting, air-commuting, or flying home in a corporate whirly bird.
Generally, this writing seems flat. I have no idea if you are working on a specific style that is deliberately flat, or not, so take my words if you can use them. :-)
Some spicier words would paint a more vivid picture, define more character depth and help minimize the word count for Flash.
An example of what I mean, "overcrowded and hyper heated disco" - Show a little about the perspiration, the smells, the side effects of the crowds, the drinks, sounds and lights of the disco atmosphere. It would add viscosity to the visual flow. Such as, Show how he recognized her bemusement.. quirky smile, swirling her drink, tugging at her hair, chewing her lip, lit the wrong end of her cigarette.. and how he caught her bemusement in the circling spot-lights of a mirror ball, or the neon lights over the bar, or the booming bass of some rave/hip-hop/trance beat, through the lingering fog of the smoke machine's last plume.
Really like your work.
Thanks.
Laurence
I'd like to respectfully suggest more rewriting than you seem to have given this. Perhaps I'm wrong, and if so, I apologize. But you should go over anything that you intend to publish. even here for critiquing, at least ten times. Twenty times is better. Thirty is not too much. Writing is rewriting. You might only change two words on the tenth time through. Maybe only one on the twentieth. But in flash fiction, that's a lot.
The benefit of writing flash fiction is that doing a lot of rewrites doesn't take that much time. And more than any critique, that's what teaches you to write.
"Loneliness shrouded and consumed him as he lay next to the only person he had ever really needed. . He was close enough, now, for her scent to enfold him, and yet felt strangely isolated. There had been a subtantial betrayal, and it was all too clear who was to blame." That was done hurriedly, but you get the idea... shorten up, and leave room for the reader to ponder on his/her own different interpretations or impressions. One more thing... I found too many pronouns and not enough proper naming.