SO YOU WANT TO WRITE YOUR MEMOIR - Post #1

A quote from my introduction wil give you the flavor of what this book is all about:

What started out as the fulfillment of a life long dream evolved into an extraordinarily confused 'mind blowing' nightmare - that repeated the worst of my childhood and adolescent days .... My consciousness gradually shifted from an initial experience of at-one-ment to a state of chronic fear, distrust, and paranoid-like feelings. My reality of Odyssey became a confused, dizzy whirl of positive/negative - good/bad experiences. I became obsessed with attempts to make sense of this radical shift. With my sense of reality in doubt, I couldn't trust my judgment leaving me feeling profoundly insecure....Reality, I had thought of a black and white, was now viewed as overwhelmingly complex, multi-leveled, and multi-dimensional,perhaps best described as a smeared mess of colors on an artist's palette.

I resigned after 17 months intuitively aware that I had experienced something of profound importance but unclear as to its exact nature. It took another thirty five years to be able to adequately (1) take my experience seriously; (2) objectify it during the course of an eleven year, three times a week psychoanalysis; (3) organize my ideas into a structure that does justice to the complex material; (4) find an editor; (5) suffer through 20 or so "impressive" rejections; (6) learn to write more effectively; (7) persist, persist, persist; (8) finally connect with a publisher; (9) edit, edit, edit; and (10) become comfortable with going all out to market what will soon be my first published book.

Aware that I am not the first nor the last person to be in this position, what follows may be of some help to all those aspiring to publish their memoir. In this connection what follows are some highlights in my odyssey in publishing my Odyssey.

TAKING MYSELF SERIOUSLY

At age l9 I began keeping what would turn out to be a 35 year journal so I guess writing was natural to me. But initially the journal notes were for me - not anyone else. I stopped for a while preceding my getting a job at Odyssey House and continuing for the first three months working there. Then when my idealization of the program was sorely tested by a series of escalating outrageous events I became the self appointed scribe of Odyssey House. Looking back I unwittingly played the role of an investigative reporter noting in fine detail whatever stirred my attention as significant.

When I finally reached the limits of my endurance I resigned taking my unstructured accumulation of journal entries with me. Although life defining, my initial state of mind in leaving Odyssey is perhaps best characterized as quintessential confusion laced with pent up frustration, fury, and fantasies of avenging and revenging. I wanted justice pure and simple. I was so consumed with what had transpired at Odyssey that it propelled me into what would become an eleven year psychoanalysis.

After venting for a long time I gradually began to understand the complexity of what I had endured for the 17 months I was at Odyssey House. I gradually came to see it was no coincidence that I was attracted to its atmosphere and it was certainly no coincidence that I stayed on even after it was abundantly clear that much of what I experienced was malevolent.

A central task of my analysis was to separate the wheat from the chaff, gradually clearing a path through my confusion of mixed thoughts, and feelings. In this connection I was encouraged by my analyst to write about my experience of my Odyssey experiences. While I had an abundance of passion and inspiration I lacked clarity and discipline.

I identified with Yeats who said in his autobiography that it (a) took him many years to get in touch with his real feelings; and (b) many more years to believe that these feelings were valid for him. I regret I was too  embarassed to show my analyst what I was writing.

It has taken all this time for me to feel comfortable enough to take my experiences seriously, to shape them into a readable structure, and to dare to present it to whom ever might be interested in sharing my experiences. In looking back - the evolution of actually beginning, working through, and completing this book has been like planting a seed, providing adequate water, soil, sunlight and nutriments, to stimulate the growth of a strong root system that , when given enough time, results in a colorful blooming.

Over the course of the next ten years I gradually conceived of an adequate structure transforming my journal entries into a book.  The next issue was what to do with it.

FINDING an EDITOR

Relatives and friends who read my first draft were encouraging. All roads pointed towards immersing myself in the most recent edition of Literary Market Place. In it, of course, is a comprehensive listing of potential editors, publishers, and tips on effective queery letters and associated material.

While this is logical and accurate I soon came upon a most distressing fact - inevitable resistance. Going to Barnes and Noble to simply look at the Literary Market place was met with an overwhelming sense of fatique. Unable to force myself to go that route my alternative was to try to utilize 'live' connections.

In the course of having written a research paper on A Theory and Use of Meaningful Coincidences (Synchchronicities)I had the good fortune to meet an outstanding person and writer - Lucy Freeman - who read and liked my work and suggested I call her editor. I did so receiving additional encouragement, and advice. 

THE HARD WORK BEGINS

My editor spent many hours with me pointing out how I could tighten, compress, clarify my ideas - tactfully pointing out how I might elliminate entire sections of material that were extraneous to the point I was attempting to make.

Over the span of many months and multiple drafts my writing got tighter, better organized, clearer, and more focused. It eventually became acceptable enough for her to begin sending out copies to selected publishers.

One special moment stands out followed her telling me that she was sending my manuscript to Basic Books. Walking down from 52nd street and Park Avenue in New York City I remember my spirits were soaring -a direct result of my being absolutely convinced that I would soon be a published author - for real. And I was right - except that my estimation of soon to be turned out to be 15 years premature.

REJECTIONS - REJECTIONS - REJECTIONS

From approximately l980 to now -2005 I have received about 20 'impressive' rejections including one from Basic Books. By impressive I mean relatively encouraging ie. 'we liked it but don't know what to do with it.' Apparently I straddle the academic and the trade markets and that, in most cases, is a no no to the majority of those publishers that consitute what collectively makes up the 'literary market place.'

BEARING FRUSTRATION

Rejections are not pleasuable communications - at least not to me, although they did give me plenty of distressing material to work on in my psychoanalysis. Another good point about them is that they force the potential published author to confront that which is really important to him or her. That is - despite being continally black-balled from the fraternity/sorority 'scene' - the self proclaimed author must confront the big question: is there still enough residual passion to press on despite formal non acceptance?

TIME FOR TAKING STOCK

Multiple rejections force the serious writer to relfect as to the nature of reality. Is it me, is it them? When twenty publishers tell you - you don't have it, isn't it sensible to give up, or at least try a different approach?

While there are a number of possible reasons for the 'impressive' rejections that had piled up, I was convinced that my introduction held the key to my failure to connect. Quoting from the introduction I stated that my book could be read on multiple dimensions. These dimensions include:

The story of Odyssey House during a crucial phase in its early development {December, 1967 through April, 1969; a scientific dimension diagnosing the central problem of drug addiction as the lack of a solid identity, characrterized by a lack of trust both of others and oneself; a political dimension describing and exploring key conflicts that arose between various factions at Odyssey {i.e.professional staff and ex addicts} and their effects on the treatment process; a psychological dimension recounting the personal Odyssey of the author's personal and professional identity quest; and a spiritual dimension exploring the crucial importance of the presence or absence of trust, faith, hope, love, and persistence.

I concluded that if I had to simplify my perspective in order to maybe make my work more acceptable for publishing it would be the equivalent of denying all that I had learned at Odyssey about them and me. Thus I gave myself no other option than to press on - hoping that one day my dream to publish my Odyssey would eventually be realized.

TO BE CONTINUED