The Death of Baba

My grandmother was at the end of her life; 81, sick for many years. Enlarged heart, aortic aneurysm, 2 heart attacks, diminished lung capacity, weak kidneys, blindness and finally her intestines collapsed.

I had cared for her at home for 8 years. Now at the end she was bleeding out so badly from her bottom, we just couldn't keep her at home. She did not want to be kept alive by any means, so we signed the do not resuscitate papers. We told the nurses no more vitals were to be taken, no blood work, nothing. They didn't understand this; I don't know how they couldn't. They saw death everyday. Why would they want to prolong suffering?

I had to yell at one nurse who began taking vitals even after I told her not to. I told her if she touched my Baba again I would hurt her. I was a mess; I didn't know what I was saying. We only allowed pain meds; heavy duty pain meds.

She was lucid for 3 days. I was exhausted and had to go home to get some sleep. I awoke around 3 am the next day and felt a sudden urgency to get to the hospital. I broke every speed limit to get there and when I walked in she was sitting looking at the door, like she was waiting for me.

I went to her, she smiled at me, I took her hand, hugged her, kissed her. We talked and I could see she was in a lot of pain. The nurses had not given her pain meds while I was away. I wanted to beat the shit out of them. I grabbed the first nurse I saw in the hall and demanded pain meds immediately. I went back to her, held her hand, stroked her arm, and told her how much she meant to me.

The nurse came with the syringe and started to give the shot.  Baba started to yell, she was not making any sense all of a sudden. Just that fast; lucid and then almost crazy.

"No! No! No! Don't give it to me!! I have to talk I have to talk!!! NO NO NO !!!!!!!"

The nurse looked to me for an answer. I knew my Baba was in horrible pain, I knew I had to stop the pain. What do I do, what do I do…

 "Give her the shot."

Within seconds Baba calmed down, I felt relief. She looked at me and said,

"I love you."

Those were last words she would say.

She silently slipped into a coma.

For 2 more days we waited. Family came to say goodbye, some stayed, some left quickly, afraid to face a death or their own mortality.

Then in the evening of the 3rd day of the coma, I told my mother we should wash Baba and change her. I didn't even want the nurses in the room, much less touching my Baba.

We gently took off the hospital gown, washed her as best we could, dressed her and rolled her to change the sheets. By the time we were finishing, she began to gulp air like a fish out of water.

My first reaction was panic. I wanted to call for a doctor, wanted to stop her from dieing.

But I knew that is not what she wanted. I knew that she would not get better, would not have a life anymore.

We sat with her, held her, touched her, kissed her, told her it was ok to go now, go be with your son and daughter, they are waiting for you….

After a few minutes of breathing erratically, it stopped and she looked up at me and my mother, her gorgeous azure blue eyes sliding from my mother's face to mine.  For a moment the coma was gone, the pain was gone, she was with us.

I saw my whole life in those eyes. I saw every memory, every moment I had spent with her.

She stopped breathing then. She never closed her eyes or took them off me. Her heart which we all thought would stop before anything else, kept beating, kept beating, kept beating…..

I should have known that her heart would not stop, would keep beating, would pump the last of her earthly love out to us through her eyes.

Then she was free.