Tea Party Gone Bad

This morning I emergency babysat for a 4 year old while her dad, our neighbor, went to the dentist.

First, since she had not seen me in a few weeks, she talked non-stop for 30 minutes. She showed me every doll, stuffed animal and little pony she owns. Not only that, she also told me each of their life stories. Then to see if I was paying attention she asked me to name them all back to her… already I was looking around for the vodka.

Next she announced we were going to have a tea party. Excellent! She gave me an odd look when I asked if there would be an open bar, but I figured she just didn't drink until after 4pm.

I went to sit at the kitchen table, assuming she would bring the party to me. Wrong. With the most innocent look on her angel face she said "Ms. Mandi, you have to serve me."

I stared at her for a moment figuring her 4 year old brain was still too soft yet to have much of attention span, and she would just wonder away to chew on something. No luck. Instead, she started tapping her foot. All I could think was God help the man she marries

I stood up and said, "Oh, I am so sorry your royal hine-ass." (Not really, but it would have been funny) "Please, come sit on your thrown." With a bow and a wave of my hand she happily hopped into my seat. I "poured" her tea and offered her a crumpet. She gave me that odd look again, so I said "You wanna cupcake?" BIG MISTAKE. 

"Can we make cupcakes?? Me and mommy make cupcakes, I can show you how!"

Before I could say "I don't think so" she was out of the chair and in the cabinet.

And before I could get to where she was, she had the bag of flour.

At this time I would like to take a moment to reflect on my BIG MISTAKE.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ok, I am alright now. I think I can continue. 

She saw me reaching for her and the flour and jumped up. She went one way, the flour went the other. The bag was full and open. Houston we have a problem. I did not think a bag of flour could bounce, but apparently it can, several times.

5 pounds of flour covered the floor and 2 feet up ALL the cabinets and my legs.

There was complete silence for a full minute. I slowly turned and looked at my sweet, darling little charge. She in turn looked up at me and said "I didn't do it!"

I said what all mothers say to children, "I don't care who did it, your cleaning this up."

That's when it happened; the quiver, the slightest tremble. "Don't you dare!" I said.

Out comes the bottom lip, and the crocodile tears. "You yelled at me! I don't like you anymore, Ms. Mandi!!!" Full blown tantrum alert; DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!

I grit my teeth and say "BUT I LOOOVE YOOOUUUU!" Apparently her 4 year old brain can comprehend sarcasm but can't take a joke, go figure.

So, now I have a hysterical kid, a kitchen covered in flour and it is only 9:30am.

I figure trying to teach her a lesson by making her help me clean the mess, would only give me a bigger headache. Besides, I was doing this as a favor, as in for free. That aint enough money in the morning to be teaching lessons.

I swept up as much of the flour as I could and then started wiping the cabinets. I then realized that it was awfully quiet in the house. "Sweetie? What are you doing?" The dreaded words you don't want to hear out of a 4 year olds mouth, "NOTHING."

I jumped up and quickly went to find her. I found her in her parent's bedroom going through her mother's jewelry box. "Honey, does mommy let you play with her things?"

"Yes" she replied. "Well while I am here, I would like you to leave them alone and come play in the living room." Surprisingly and thankfully she said, "Ok."

As we were walking out into the hall, she announced that she had to tinkle. "Do you need help?" A little too forcefully she said "NO! I can do it myself." Well thank God for small miracles. "Wash your hands when you are done, I will be in the living room waiting for you." After what seemed an eternity and 2 flushes, she came out.  All was fine until I thought I heard water running. I walked into the kitchen… nothing. I walked into the hall… uh oh…SHIT! The toilet was overflowing and water was running under the door and soaking in to the hall carpet. I ran to the bathroom to find a very long strand of pearls half in and half out of the "hole." I quickly turned off the water valve and started sopping up the water with our neighbor's Ralph Lauren Towels.

After I had filled the tub with 8 soaked towels and CAREFULLY removed the pearls from their watery prison, I went to find the little darling.

"Why did you put mommy's pearls in the toilet?" I asked. "I didn't do it" she replied.

I take a deep breath. "Fine, if you don't tell me the truth right now, I am going to tell daddy when he gets home." She looked at me and her eyes seem to say, "I dare you."

"Fine," I say.

The next few hours were uneventful. I did what every good babysitter does. I turned on the TV.  Do you know how much crap is being fed through that infernal box, into the minds of our future world leaders?? I nearly shut the damn thing off; nearly. Then I came to my senses, handed her a cheese stick and plopped my butt on the couch.

Daddy came home, mouth full of gauze, drooling while he apologized for taking so long.

I should have seen it coming… wait for it….

"Daddy!! Ms. Mandi yelled at me and made me drop the flour and then she didn't want me to go to the bathroom and then water was coming out of the toilet and Ms. Mandi was in your bedroom."  I stood there staring at this deviant, devilish, conniving, 4 year old, and all I could think was; Impressive.

Luckily daddy didn't believe her "story" and I explained the real story. He half threatened to put her in a time out, and as I was walking out the back door I could see her lip trembling, and daddy's face softening. By the time I walked around the side of the house and looked into the large picture window, she was there grinning at me, tongue stuck out. God help us when she turns 5.