The man walked into the store. His gun gleamed like shiny death and his eyes were hidden behind mirrored glasses. He had a hat that had seen hot summers, cold winters, and death in the autumn.
He meant business.
"Bottled promise" he told the clerk, his mirrored shades reflecting back the fear in the clerk's face.
The clerk reached behind the counter and handed it over. The room dimmed. The air conditioning, which had been blowing cool and loud all night, suddenly silenced.
Outside, a clutch of blackbirds had been cawing all morning, pecking at the remains of french fries and ketchup abandoned on the lot. As a single unit, they turned toward the store. Eerie silence ensued.
The clear blue Southwestern sky darkened, as clouds sped in from the north, completely against the wind blowing the little multi-colored banners flying from the gas pump awnings.
The flag that had been waving languidly in the baby's breath breeze suddenly dropped against the pole, like a man falling asleep from a sudden bout of narcolepsy.
The man picked up the bottle. He looked at it, his mirrored shades hiding any reaction. The gun lowered.
"Bottled promise" he said, and without another word, walked out into the shimmering hot summer.
The horse that had been waiting for him outside the store whinnyed nervously, froth still visible on his heaving sides. As the man mounted the horse, his leg swinging up with preternatural speed, the horse startled slightly, giving an unearthly cry.
Without a word or visible motion, the man and horse started forward. The blackbirds sat still and silent, their feast forgotten, riveted.
As the man and horse reached speed at dusty highway, he was suddenly joined by three companions, also on horses. As a group, they spurred their mounts and headed across the desert, toward the hazy, shadowed buttes poking up from the dusty earth.
The sky darkened. Promise unleashed.


Comments: 17
I feel lucky to have escaped alive......
Great piece!
I don't think Stephen King has anything to fear from me...
I have few words. Riveting, perhaps. "Whoa!", perhaps.
Thanks David! You got this started, so I just felt like doing something a little different.
So, did anyone get the Four Horses of the Apacalypse reference, or was it too subtle?
1. The story takes place in the Southwest.
2. The store is probably on an unpaved road since it is described as dusty.
3. It's summer: hot and dry.
4. The robber is a man of few words; serious.
5. The mirrored sunglasses indicate he does not want to be recognized.
6. Since his hat had seen hot summers, cold winters, and death in the autumn; he is not a young man and is probably one mucho mean hombre.
7. The clerk has good reason to fear the man as well as the gun.
8. The robber arrived at the store on horseback and had ridden hard.
9. The weather was clear with a gentle southerly breeze but upper level air currents were moving from north to south and bringing an approaching storm.
10. Since the robber mounted his horse with preternatural speed, we suspect that he might even be a ghost.
11. He's joined by three other men; "they spurred their mounts and headed across the desert, toward the hazy, shadowed buttes poking up from the dusty earth." Makes you think of Frankie Lane, doesn't it? "Ghost Riders in the Sky."
It took me 192 words just to summarize what you said in only 319 and I didn't even address the blackbird banquet.
Good feedback. There are lots of structural problems in this piece, primarily because I write in a burst, edit, and then publish, all within about an hour's period.
Need to get some discipline about re-reading, and re-editing after I've written things.
Thanks so much for taking the time to critique!
Regards,
"The Four Horsemen". And when the bottle is opened the promise is fulfilled. Eerie.