Feeling Stressed . . . Then?

Ever wonder what other people do after a particularly stressful day at work?

I did when I read the results of a study that a colleague of mine is
announcing later this month. So last night I called four friends who are
working long hours in advance of taking their companies public, to ask them
how they were spending their evening.

~ Jim's wife answered the phone and said he was in the garage "hammering
something and has made it quite clear that he did not want to be disturbed
unless a decent computer programmer comes down the chimney."

~ Maria answered her cell phone from her neighborhood park where she and
another mother were trading work war stories as they pushed their daughters
on the swings.

~ I reached Tien just as he'd gotten back from playing a pick-up basketball
game at his health club. I asked him how the game went and he said it had
been great because everybody there "was really pumping."

~ Narda asked if she could call me back, because she was on the phone with
her baby sister Lianna.

Here's the news, from one study at least. We have been told for over 50
years that all animals, including humans, respond to stress by fighting or
fleeing. Yet that conclusion was based mostly on observing men.

Female animals and humans, it seems, often respond to stress with a "tend
and befriend" approach, centered around nurturing and seeking support from
others, rather than escape or aggression. Hormonal differences are the
reason. The researchers suggest that this may be why women are less
vulnerable than men to stress-related illnesses such as alcohol, drug
abuse, or hypertension. They surmise further that this long-held tendency
often enabled females and their children to survive around predators and
natural disasters.

"Fight or flight is basically a response that doesn't involve the hands-on
protection of others", said Dr. Shelley Taylor, professor of psychology at
the University of California at Los Angeles, lead author of the report that
will be published in the journal Psychology Review. "Females needed to
protect their young, and affiliating with a social group afforded more
protection for females with one or more young children."

Dr. Taylor was inspired to do her study when one of her students mentioned
that most animal studies of stress were conducted using only male rats. She
then discovered that in laboratory studies of biological responses to
stress conducted on humans before 1995, only 17% of the subjects were
women. The theory of a lone warrior in combat or surrender did not mesh
with studies that showed that women in stressful situations often sought
out the company and support of others.

In a 2004 study by Dr. Rena Repetti and others at U.C.L.A., mothers
returning home after a difficult day were more likely to spend time with
their children, while fathers were more inclined to withdraw or incite
conflict.

For the journal report, Dr. Taylor and others reviewed about 200 studies on
stress and found that oxytocin, one of the hormones released in response to
stress, is also produced during childbirth and nursing. It is linked to
maternal behavior and social affiliation.

People with high levels of it are calmer and more social. In stress, male hormones such as testosterone seem to mitigate the calming effects of oxytocin. In contrast, the female hormone estrogen appears to enhance the action of oxytocin. Dr. Taylor says
the studies indicate that males tend to demonstrate aggression physically
and females through some indirect action.

I believe that we can learn from the behaviors of the opposite sex. For example, women might learn ways to be more direct without being harsh when they are feeling stressed.

Men can look for ways to reach out and connect with friends when they feel stressed.

Both sexes can reduce stress by walking and talking with someone with whom they
feel safe as the motion brings us closer and can calm us down.

One conclusion? Savor your friends to save your life. We can all benefit
from planning more play times with others, especially after a difficult day.

Three suggestions to start you on that path of stress reduction:
1. Share that time outdoors, walking on earth, with fresh air, sunshine,
and natural beauty around you.

2. If you aren't already, meditate at least 20 minutes a day, to establish
calm and clear thought.

3. Here are some of my favorite books on this topic:

* Anger: Taming the Beast, by Reneau Z. Peurifoy
* Instant Calm: Over 100 Easy-To-Use Techniques for Relaxing Mind and Body,
by Paul Wilson
* The 10-Minute Stress Manager, by Emmett E. Miller, MD
* The Complete Idiot's Guide to Handling Stress, by Jeff Davidson
* 90 Days to Stress Free Living: A Day-By-Day Health Plan Including
* Exercises, Diet, and Relaxation Techniques, by C. Norman Shealy