I thought I would offer a commentary on the autobiographical story I posted yesterday, Making it Through the Night. You may want to go read it first and then come here to read my commentary where I expand on my life since that night.
I have healed so much from this time period in my life, I can now write it without tears. There was a time I could not talk about it at all without tears. I have learned so much about myself and have learned new ways to cope. I am still far from perfect, and I still have a lot of issues that need to be dealt with, but I now deal with them in more healthy ways.
Because of growing closer to God, I have been blessed with the disappearance of the suicidal obsessions I displayed here – with or without medication. I am so thankful to God for that! It was pure torture, to know it was wrong, know it would hurt so many, but not be able to prevent my mind from focusing intently on it. This was "Monica" before I ever got treatment, before I ever took any medicine, and I was so scared of what all that would mean.
This was just one sample night of many during the spring semester of my senior year at Western Carolina University. Perhaps I will write of other nights over time, but this one has always stuck out in my mind. I battled so much with God that night, and He tried to reach out to me, but I was too afraid to trust Him and see that He would not lead me astray.
I have fought for so long to try to conquer it all on my own. The nature of bi-polar is that you go up and down. When I went up, I and could stay up for awhile, I would decide I could maintain it on my own. I would be successful for long periods at times. There is a problem with that though. When you go off medication and try to fix it on your own, and the problems start arising again but you are too stubborn to starts meds again, eventually you crash. Hard. It took crashing hard three times before I finally had to admit to myself that I cannot do this on my own. I'm either stubborn or mentally retarded! I think I needed Bill Engvall around to say "Here's yer sign!" Maybe he needed to hit me with it as well?
Needless to say, I need to stay on medicine, I need to be in therapy, and I need God in my life. He has been there waiting for me, offering me what I need, but I have used my stubborn free will to ignore His help.
As you can see in what I wrote here, God was with me that night, even though I was so angry with Him. I wanted to blame Him for all the poor choices I had made and all the ways I had used my free will to get me into the situation I was in. I wanted an easy out and was angry that God wouldn't offer one – or at least it seemed that way.
Would it have been so hard to talk to the Campus Security Officer? What if I had given up on trying to do it myself and let God lead me to treatment then, even if it did mean going into a hospital? It seems to me now that I was the one making it hard. God offered me two chances that night, and I denied those choices twice to go on my own.
You know what is funny, I wrote this whole piece yesterday without shedding a tear, but writing those last two paragraphs, and finally fully realizing how much time I wasted not trusting God, questioning His abilities to help me, not seeing that He was reaching out to me . . . This has made me stop and sob.
I wrote this article to show what it is like to be in the mind of someone with mental illness, so those that don't have these issues can get a glimpse and begin to understand. I also wrote this to show how my faith has been involved in my illness. I did not know that this would bring forth a breakthrough for me.
God, I thank You for having been there for me through all of my trials, even when I did not want to recognize it. I feel so angry now to think that if only I would have trusted in You sooner, I could be on a better track now, not just starting out on a road to health. I'm so sorry Lord for not trusting You. Please help me to trust You more, keep me close to You Lord, and help me be strong. Amen.
©2006 Monica Kennedy All rights reserved
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Comments: 10
We've never had such a volume in our society that I am aware of, but we used to have a sort-of walking,talking, version of it in the days when our society wasn't so spread out and family-less.
What you've probably never been told is that every single human walking the face of the earth, at one point or another in their lives, has had the same questions and doubts about themselves that you did back in your college dorm.
Knowing that everyone else has had these problems is not what saves the lives of the people that make it through their own problems. It's when other people who are in your life on a permanent basis share their fears and doubts with you as well as advise you on how to survive your own, that the chances of survival go way up.
In a small packages, these groups are called families. In bigger packages they are called communities. As we sit here in the year 2006, technically we still have families and communities, but they exist more in name than they do in substance.
The work it takes that allows families and communities to exist in a symbiotic relationship is fast becoming a lost art.
Craftmanship would not be an incorrect word to use in describing humans who are able to create a successful family or community.
Not unlike the way a piece of art can speak to the soul without using words, and in doing so save lives. A well-crafted family or community can save lives just because the person who needs help knows they exist.
I'm glad you were able to move on from those suicidal thoughts you had & were able to get the help you needed, plus draw closer to God.
Priscilla - Yes! Free will is so amazing, but most of us don't know what to do with it, other than get ourselves in trouble with it! But imagine the world without it - a bunch of preprogrammed forced souls serving God - no wonder God gave this gift to us, for in return it is a gift to Him to see who will truly love and serve Him. Thank you for commenting!
God bless you for all the help and inspiration you are giving all of us.