Connect or Die Sooner

Captain Eugene "Red" McDaniel was a navy pilot shot down in North Vietnam
and then held as a prisoner of war for six years. In his book Scars and
Stripes, he describes the desperate need of prisoners to communicate with
one another to maintain morale. Prisoners risked death to work out a
complicated communication system by which they would write under plates,
cough, sing, tap on walls. laugh, scratch, or flap laundry a certain number
of times to transmit a letter of the alphabet.

Captain McDaniel says POWs tended to die much sooner if they could not
communicate with each other. On many occasions, he endured torture rather
than give up his attempts to stay in touch with other prisoners, especially
when he was in solitary confinement.

When we think of survival, we usually list food, shelter, and clothing as
the essentials. But, as abandoned, untouched babies in desperately poor
orphanages know, lack of attention leads to atrophy and death.

Even when we can see people often in our daily lives, we might not actually
connect with many and thus feel emotionally deprived. For example, although
maintaining a poker face gives strategic advantage in a game, sarcastic
humor can spark immediate laughter, and brief, abrupt answers might make an
immediate interaction more efficient, all of these forms of communication
distance people from each other and freeze them at that distance in future
communication. Always remember, love is the fundamental attractive process.

As Dr. Dean Ornish wrote in Love & Survival: The Scientific Basis for the
Healing Power of Intimacy, "When we gather together to tell and listen to
each other's stories, the sense of community and the recognition of shared
experiences can be profoundly healing." A popular saying goes, "Not
everything that counts can be counted" (variously credited to people from
British scientist Denis Burkitt to Albert Einstein). In a time-pressed
culture, the undercurrent of sadness is how many of us also feel the twin
phenomenon of being relationship-diminished -- that is, as society becomes
more transient and isolating, we do not feel known by many people.

Consider how you recognize and offer caring and respect in daily
interactions. For example, do you immediately stop what you are doing when
someone asks for your help or appears to simply want to talk about
"nothing"? Does your face and body look relaxed and open when you are
listening. or do you appear tense, judgmental, uncaring, and waiting to
move on to the next task? If you are talking by phone, do your tone, words,
and conversational pace encourage others to feel heard?

Dr. Rachel Remen, who has been in endemic pain much of her life and who
teaches doctors how to be more compassionate listeners and complete
diagnosticians, wrote, "The places where we are genuinely met and heard
have great importance to us. Being in them may remind us of our strength
and our value in ways that many other places we may pass through do not."
As Candace Pert wrote in Molecules of Emotion, "Love often leads to
healing, while fear and isolation breed illness. And our biggest fear is
abandonment."


"In the religion of love to pray is to pass, by a single word, into the inner chamber of the other."
Galway Kinnell

What we believe about ourselves can hold us hostage. According to Talmudic
teaching, "We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." When
you support others in seeing themselves in a different, more giving and
caring light, you foster their beliefs that they have within them that
capacity and can cultivate it in their lives.

As we approach turning points in our lives we might be considering many goals, dreams,
and measures of accomplishment, but perhaps none more important than how we can grow to cultivate closer connections with others. Contemplate how safe
a connection you provide in uncertain situations, how comforting a presence
you evoke in crisis, and how great a source of fun and laughter you provide
during the little moments of life that, all too often, are spent rushing to
the next task. Not just for your close friends but in the casual, brief
transactions with strangers, consider how you contribute to our
interconnectedness.

The Fijians are aware of a basic human law: We all influence one another.
We are a part of each other's reality. There is no such thing as passing
someone and not acknowledging your moment of connection, not letting others
know their effect on you and seeing yours on them. For Fijians, connection
is natural. Don't pretend that others are ships passing you in the night.
How often do you recognize someone as that person -- in that moment --
wants to be seen, acknowledged, and known? By this recognition, you open up
more possibilities for being truly known, expressing caring, as you bring
others closer.


Finding the Connective "Oneness" More of the Time

Five Finger Prayer

1. Your thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers by praying for
those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved
ones is, as C.S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty".

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach,
instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need
support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your
prayers.

3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders.
Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators.
These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is fact that
this is our weakest finger; as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind
us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your
prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger; the smallest finger of all. Which is
where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible
says, "the least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinky should
remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four
groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to
pray for yourself more effectively.