Keeping Cool While Under Fire

Imagine! The number one reason people get reprimanded at work in the U.S. is for displays of anger, and the number one problem people say they have at work is they do not feel heard and respected.

How do we make colleagues feel heard - even and especially when they are difficult to be around -- and still stand up for ourselves?

Here are some more "tools" to add to your "toolbox" for the next time someone is upset and taking it out on you. None will work all the time, and some will work better for your personality style than others.

Here's five easy-to-adopt ways to connect, not conflict, with others:

1. Lighten Up
When others begin to act "hot," we instinctively tend to either

1. Escalate (become like them and get loud, more hostile, or other
reactions where we act more likethe behavior we do not like), or

2. Withdraw (poker face, quiet down).
Either approach gets us out of balance. Both are self-protective but
self-sabotaging reactions. They are akin to saying "I don't like your
behavior -- therefore I am going to give you more power." Instead, slow
everything down: your voice level and rate and the amount and frequency of
your body motions.

Be aware that you are feeling a hot reaction to the other person. Instead
of dwelling on your growing feelings, move to a de-escalating action and
leave room for everyone, especially the person in the wrong, to save face
and self-correct.


2. Take the "Three A's" Approach
• Acknowledge that you heard the person, with a pause (buys time for both
to cool off), nod, or verbal acknowledgment that does not immediately take
sides ("I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have .
.. ." ) or involve blaming or "bad labeling" language ("Let's discuss what
would work best for us both now" rather than "That was a dumb . . .) that
pours hot coals on the heat of escalation and hardens the person into their
position.

• Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and you can
find
some common ground based on her or his underlying concerns or needs.
Try to "warm up" to the part of the person you can respect -- focus on it mentally and refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-image is that leads them toward rationalizing their
behavior.

• Add your own. Say, perhaps, "May I tell you my perspective?" This sets
them up to give you permission to state your view.


3. Presume Innocence
Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Whenever you have reason to believe someone is lying or not making sense, you will not build rapport by
pointing it out to them. Allow them to save face and keep asking questions
until you lose imagination or control. Say, for example, "How does that
relate to the . . ." (then state the apparently conflicting information).
You might find you were wrong, and thus you "save face." Or, by continued
nonthreatening questions, you can "softly corner" the other person into
self-correcting, which protects your future relationship.

4. Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear
to Have None
Our instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are . . .
less right. In arguing, as the momentum builds, we mentally focus on the
smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about
the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is
doing. This tendency leads us to take a superior or righteous position, get
more rigid, and listen less as the argument continues.

Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and
their best side as you find yourself falling into an escalating argument.
You will probably be more generous and patient with them, and increase the
chances that they will see areas where you might be right after all.

5. Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Lap
If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or
counterattack in midstream, or you will only prolong and intensify their
comments. When they have finished, ask "Is there anything else you want to
add?" Then say, "What would make this situation better?" or "How can we
improve this situation in a way you believe we can both accept?"

Ask them to propose a solution to the issue they have raised. If they
continue to complain or attack, acknowledge you heard them each time and, like a broken record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language
variations: "What will make it better?"

Do not attempt to solve problems others raise, even if they ask for advice
-- they might make you wrong. People will spend more time proving their way
works best than using a method suggested by someone else, even someone we love or like. It's only human.


Five Tips for Reaching Better Agreements
More Easily in Everyday Life

1. If you embarrass someone while trying to reach an agreement, you might
never have their full attention again.

2. Even and especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a victim
of the underdog.

3. Offering something free and valued up-front, unasked, often implants the
desire to reciprocate, even beyond the value of the offer.

4. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are discussed. Until
you get some notion of the underlying conflict, you will not be able to
find a solution.

5. If you want more from another person, wait to ask for it after they have
invested more time, energy, money, reputation, or other resource.