My birthday is December 21st and our wedding anniversary is New Years Eve…this year was our 45th. This juxtaposition of major milestones in my life has always made the holiday season a bittersweet time for me...a time for retrospection and introspection: What have I accomplished in my life, and what do I still want to accomplish? The contact with distant friends and relatives via Christmas cards and family newsletters always brings back a flood of memories...of lost loves and missed opportunities, along with those glorious times of youth.
I am often a little depressed by all of this...reminded that I have spent another year of my life, that the bank account that I was given at birth with a seemingly infinite number of years in it is slowly shrinking. Am I wasting it? Should I have done more with all those spent deposits? I do not have the solace of the Christian believer, who basks comfortably in the certainty that his "soul" will live on forever. I do not know that mine will not, but I have no reason to expect it.
What is this thing called "soul" anyway? Is it just this consciousness of self, the ability of the life process to examine itself? It is an extraordinary capability when you think about it. We are made of the stuff of exploded stars...part of the Cosmos itself, and so we are the cosmos regarding the cosmos.
When I was out doing my daily run/jog the other day, I was looking at the river that flows next to my regular route, and I thought, "The water molecule right there...yes, that one: How many times has it been here at this very spot? Does it have a memory of having been here before? Now you might think that's a ridiculous question. Water is inanimate, right? Well, do we know that for sure? Maybe this thing we call "soul", this consciousness of self, is in everything. If that were true, then my soul will live on after my death...the water and calcium and salt and iron and all the other molecules that make up my body will be recycled into other animate or inanimate assemblages. Nothing is lost. The principle of Conservation of Matter will see to that.
But will that soul be "me?" I don't see how it could keep my individuality, my sense of self. But what do I know? Very little about anything important, that's for sure. I know that I am a collection of molecules meandering around this unthinkably immense, mysterious, unknowable cosmos on this little speck of dust. A speck on a speck, that's me. It's easy to see why people flock to religions. Thinking about our utter insignificance is humbling...and frightening.
I think the nonbeliever has an extra burden, an urgency, in his life. He must assume that this life he is living is a one-shot deal. When it's over, it really is over, to paraphrase Yogi Berra. So, he must make the most of it, accomplish as much as he can, treasure it, value it. It has always seemed to me that religious people tend to devalue life by viewing it as a mere transitional interlude, preparing us for the great eternity to follow. Maybe that is unfair, but I think the nonbeliever feels a greater need to "make hay while the sun shines."
Your comments are welcome.
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Comments: 22
Being a person of faith is a humbling experience. True humility is a hallmark of faith. By humility I mean being in a healthy relationship with yourself, other people, the physical world, and so on. A person of faith becomes aware of his or her strengths, weaknesses, the strengths and weaknesses of others, the strengths and frailties of the earth, and so on. Because of humility, we come together in communities to get our Peace and Justice haymaking done.
Peace.
I sometimes feel threatened by the Religious Right. I do not feel threatened by Christians like you. I suspect your views on most subjects differ very little from mine.
I am struck by how much your thoughts echo mine--could it be the molecules of Michigan air that we inhaled as children and youth?
I surmise that because humans are on top of the evolutionary heap, we subsume everything that goes before us, physically through eating and breathing and absorbing through our skin, and psychically through fields of influence. All of these resonate through our bodies and minds and make up our souls or psyches.
In 1989, I self-published a book of poems to celebrate getting my master's degree two years earlier. I titled it, "Starseeds." The first poem in the book is "Stargarden."
My starseeds, I have planted you in dark places.
The rich, black holes behind human faces,
Teeming with earthy promise and celestial fires.
Bloom, my bright ones, into happy starflowers.
I used the term garden as a counterpoint to the Garden of Eden, which in Western culture has mythically been associated with our past, and star, which has mythically been associated with destiny, and seeds, which represent the present.
At this time in my life, I have a sense of guilt about not doing more with my life, even though when I examine my past, I'm not sure I could have, and also a sense of urgency to do more before I leave, although at age 68, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do when I grow up.
Exactly how I feel. My problem is, I have a wide lazy streak running through my body...so the guilt is constantly fighting with the sloth.
I think you are much younger than Verie and I, and I am impressed with your thoughtful response.
When I had 3-year-olds, I wasn't thinking about such things...I was more worried about changing diapers and buying baby food! It was many more years before I reached the point where you are now.
Plus, who knows, there could be a god, and we'd not have any portion of eternity anyhow.
I dunno...you could be right. As I said in the article, what do I know? Not much, that's for sure.
It's one of the great joys of life...the infinite, mysterious cosmos. But it is also one of the great frustrations, because I know that I will never know the answers. Not me, and maybe not a thousand generations that follow me...if we don't destroy ourselves in the meantime.
I love astronomy, because it constantly confronts me with the Great Mystery...and occasionally with tantalyzing little hints...about Black Holes, or supergiant planets circling nearby stars. Are there other civilizations out there like us, wondering what's "out there?"
I will never know...dammit!
The only dilemma in my mind if that if there is no afterlife, and therefore no judgement, what the heck am I such a goody two-shoes? Why do I not cheat and steal and lie so I can have more, do more, be more?
I believe in the golden rule, and I believe 100% in personal responsiblitiy, so I always try to 'do the right thing'. But honestly, sometimes it pisses me off, cause good guys definitely do not finish first.
Interesting concepts, hmmm?
Reading your words reminded me of the Existentialists (chiefly Sartre and Camus) who wrote so much about Free Will and Choices and living by a code of one's own without the crutches known as religion, society, family, culture, tradition, etc., and all their comforting rules and beliefs. Condemned by choices, the existentialist exists -- that's all -- in a random and chaotic world that does NOT reward the do-gooders and comdemn the bad boys all the time (sound suspiciously like what you read in the daily news?).
Still, they must live by a code of their own making nevertheless, and there is moral good in that, so they are lonely soldiers unto themselves (hardly Supermen in the Nietzsche mold). I think you may be a jogging Existential Hero without even knowing it. Life is full of surprises.
Well that's my nickel lecture on existentialism (or what I recall of it). As for your soul being in the river and the trees... maybe Buddhism? Native American religions? One of them, anyway. That thought has been thought, as they say.
-- Another Lost Soul and Dues-Paying Existentialist
Thanks for your comments. It gives me some satisfaction to realize that I probably lead a more "moral" life than a lot of self-pronounced devout Christians do. But also, I'm pretty lazy, and it has always seemed to me that living a life of crime would be a lot of work! I'm not sure most crooks are all that successful, either.
A "jogging Existential Hero." I like that, KR!
There are people who even doubt their own existence. What is behind the universe we know, created from what, can we understand infinity? It is a metaphisical question. I came to the conclusion that what counts is to do the best and the most you can do based on you abilities. I have no intention of retiring, I still build homes and run a business, and I may go back to college to get a master in fine arts, once my son can take over soon. You have certain talents and experience, if you continue to use them to help others as a volunteer or for pay, even few day a week I think it would bring you great satisfaction.
As you said I believe we are part of there is, I wrote a poem, Stars who alludes to that.
Lee...you're doing it right. I retired, went back to work, retired again...three times before I "got it right." We wanted to have more time for travel...and I wanted to spend more time reading and writing and indulging my primary hobby, photography. There are not enough hours in the day!
"I think the nonbeliever has an extra burden, an urgency, in his life."
This may be true in some form, but as one who spent the first 40+ years of my life as a "non-believer" I find a vast increase in the sense of "urgency" in life, since coming to "believe" nearly ten years ago.
I guess the thing that makes the difference is the degree to which one actually takes God's existence seriously. If one truly does, one inherits many responsibilities to use ones life as a means of doing "good", in a sense that previously was rather hit and miss, and could much more easily be left only partly examined in any given case.
Once one comes to believe there is a God, the ultimate moral, and communal nature of actions take on a profound urgency, and doing the "right thing" can become a matter of deep reflection and thorough consideration. One is also more prone to speak up, or take action against clearly harmful behavior in others, or oneself.
Surely there are a great many "believers" that use their images of God as a sort of licence to take a vacation from deep thought or concern, so I don't doubt that their sense of "urgency" is indeed diminished.
I am sure you are right that some devoutly religious people feel compassion and concern for all humans, including those with different faiths...beyond the need to proselytize them. But I am reminded of a snide little remark by James Madison:
Many a snide remark has been rightly aimed at many a "believer", I get off a good one myself now and then.
From my many dialogues with you, I have no doubt that you are a devoutly religious person who has sincerely compassionate feelings for all of humanity. I did not mean that Madison's little barb was aimed at you.