I've been reviewing my life trying to get a sense of when depression became my life's companion. Though I had a lot of teenage angst, I don't think we'd become close yet. I have to say it was during my divorce and custody year....... Yep, that was surely the beginning of the great change.
Actually, it took years before I would even admit I was depressed. See, I'm upbeat by nature. It is me who others turn to for inspiration or sound advice. I am the one who counts her blessings. Yet here I was with all the symptoms and murky vision.
Psychotherapy and pills, I'd feel better and quit the meds. Slowly, life would smother me again and I'd need some help. Reluctantly, more medicine and therapy. (ever notice therapist is spelled the rapist?). Gradually life would get better and I would quit the medicine again. Kept the therapy, though. The tools I've gathered to make life better are invaluable and they work!
So imagine my chagrin when again last year I was asking my doctor for some anti-anxiety medicine.
Mind you, my 17 year old daughter had moved out, my son was incarcerated awaiting trial and I was about to have a hysterectomy......finally after years of health problems. I thought I could just pop an anxiety pill when I needed a little help, and my tools would see me through all this.
Yeah, right! Next doctor visit, I was telling how I had needed a pill every day, not just occasionally as I'd expected. I told her of my reluctance to rely on anti-depressants again, as I really want to keep my liver and kidneys happy and healthy. It's just that I know the tools, I use them, but they are not enough. She told me with so much on my plate, I should give myself a break, take the meds and let them help me while I need them. I don't have to commit to taking them forever, and there is no shame in taking them, either.
Now I'm on a very low dose of Effexor, my son has had his trial and is serving his sentence, my operation is over, and my daughter is very happy and nice to me for the first time since she hit puberty. Wow! These pills really work! Ha!
I have argued with myself about taking medicine. Somewhere I feel it is a defeat. Yet, I really know it is not defeat, but another tool. I am a healthy person with a good attitude, and now I don't have to fight my instincts to be nice (to myself and others).
These meds work by allowing more serotonin to flow through the synapses of the brain and to travel where needed. Without the medicine, too much seratonin is sucked backward (re-uptake) instead of forward, so it's not reaching it's destination. This is a simple yet reasonable description of anti-depressants that are serotonin uptake inhibitors.
Much contributed to this physical condition, including heredity, and it is taking practice to change these established connections and create new ones. Healthy connections. I can do this, and I will feel no more guilt or defeat for getting pharmacalogical help. But it is only part of persuing and maintaining a healthy life.
Diet, exercise, and focusing on beauty are my everyday tools, which help my brain's chemistry as well.
It works for me.
|
|
|
More by Cat Givens |
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 5
I read this article and felt such a connection -- been there done that! Why are we so stubborn and proud? Perhaps it is because much of the world looks at mental illness as a weakness not a medical condition. We both know just how strong we are. I am sure you are like me - and have so many people who are shocked to learn you deal with this because you can be so motivating, loving, funny, supportive . . . It is all a difficult thing to deal with, but is also a blessing, in the compassion you can gain for your fellow man through having suffered yourself. I too pray for health and happiness for you and all of us here at Gather. May meds and therapy work wonders for all who need it (including myself!).
God bless you! Thanks for sharing!