Welcome American Gyrl Dolls

Equality, decency, hard work – they taught all the principals that made America great.  There were no bad girls in the bunch.  They were all involved in the important fights of the day – Revolution, Civil Rights, Protecting Democracy in World War II.  Somehow, they embodied the best, with the ugly edges sanded down.  The Revolutionary girl was a Northern girl, I'm pretty sure, so there was no worry that she might have a slave who was also her half-sister to dress her in the mornings.  The World War II girl was not a Nazi spy, nor was she some unfortunate Japanese-American girl hanging out behind the barbed wire in the American desert.  There were only good moments, nothing to make us feel bad about our own historical skeletons.

Well, I can comfortably support the conservative cause, now.  I have found out that these minor white-washings were part of a larger scheme to subvert the true values of America.

I come before the world and humbly beg the forgiveness of all the conservatives I have slammed over various issues of morality and the family.  My eyes have opened.  I am awakened to the creeping evil that is the liberal agenda.  I am a Born Again Conservative.  I repent my ways.  Forgive me, brothers and sisters.

You see, folks, I have learned just how evil the liberal powers have been.  I have learned how they have sought to subvert our pure young ladies, even my own daughter.  I have learned that the licentious forces seeking to crumble the heterosexual family foundation were starting on my daughter and her generation from the cradle onward.  The cold chisel with which they have chipped:  these most patriotic of $100-dollar figurines. 

Yes, people – the patriotic, emblematic American Girl Doll was the principal tool of the subversive Lesbian Abortion Underground.

The company that makes the dolls – a subsidiary of Mattel, well known to the world for its secret obsession with the seductively anti-Christian, Pagan message behind the Star Wars toys – apparently gives some of the doll profits to something called "Girls, Inc."  Like George Lucas' anti-American ravings about evil sorcerers in anti-American black masks, "Girls, Inc." is out to slice into the real values of America.

For example, the group's apparent mission is "inspiring girls to be strong, smart and bold."  We certainly can't have that.

Even worse, we can't have young girls having the right to use contraception, much less abortion, if they decide to be sexually active.  Girls decide this on their own, after all, because liberals teach them to become tarts.  And, if they're going to give away their virtue and become tramps, we need them saddled with children they are themselves too young to raise.  This is a fair and Holy punishment for them.  It's always the girl's fault that sex and pregnancy happens, anyway – "The woman tempted me, God."  Boys, with their inherently perfect nature, would never have pre-marital sex if those aggressive harlots weren't intentionally developing breasts and ovaries and girl-stuff. 

And we can't possibly support the Constitution of the United States as it has been interpreted by that unholy Supreme Court.  The Revolutionary doll knew John Adams personally, and can vouch for the fact that John didn't really mean it when he said things in favor of religious liberty.  And he certainly didn't mean it that time he wrote Thomas Jefferson about the need for a judiciary to protect the rights of people whose opinions aren't in the mainstream.

And then there's the fact that Girls,Inc. has decided to follow those silly scientific ideas that same-sex attraction is a normal variant in the human psyche.  Well, to start with, how dare those evil bastards use neutral terminology and science to justify the work of Satan Incarnate!  It's like that Salmon Rushdie fellow, who deserves to die through horrible torture because he wrote about….oh, sorry.  The wrong ultra-reactionary Conservative diatribe snuck in there. 

Well, thank you, conservatives, for offering to kick the crap out of those subversive dolls.  It's about time we got back to the homogenous American way, with dark-skinned people singing spirituals as they toil in the fields.  It's about time it was again okay to tie sissy boys to trees and torture them to death.  It's about time we got to call muscular women with short haircuts nasty names (behind their backs and quietly, of course, out of fear that they will kick the crap out of us with their steel-toed work boots).  And heck, that has nothing to do with whether such a woman is, un, confused about who she should be in love with.  After all, such women can change that.  Right?

Thank you, Self-Righteous Religious Conservatives.  Thank you for showing us the truth about the Anti-American Lesbian Abortion Conspiracy intrinsic in the American Gyrl Doll.

I'll bet Samantha and Josefina got to be an item once they were 18…maybe I can get a video of them going at it.

Copyright © 2005 by Gregory P. Lee.  Mr. Lee is proprietor of Three/Four Communications, and is an Adjunct Professor at Wentworth Institute of Technology in Boston, Massachusetts.  His writings can be found at www.threefourcomm.com.