Eulogy For My Mom

I lost my Mom two years ago and for some reason was particularly sad this morning. I pulled up the eulogy I wrote and delivered at my Mom’s service and read it again—-it always makes me smile. I thought I would post it on the site as a way to keep her memory alive. Here it is. I’m sure there are many grammatical errors since I wrote it during the most painful time in my life.

Joanne Carey
January 4, 1932 – August 1, 2003

Many of you may not have known that my Mom’s birth-name was Giovanna Ida Fuoco. She was the seventh of ten siblings in a dynamic Italian family – “dynamic” being the operative word. Her gorgeous hair, olive skin, enormous brown eyes, and infectious smile made her stand out. Yet it was her inner beauty that radiated with such a glow that she left a mark on everyone she encountered. She was truly stunning.

She played many roles throughout her life; she was a devoted mother, the absolute best Nana “evah” as my Mom would say, a cherished sister, a favorite “auntie,” and a dear friend. I would like to spend a few moments reflecting on her role as our MUM (that’s capital “M”, capital “U”, capital “M”) and that of Nana. So much of who we are as her children and grandchildren is a mirror reflection of my Mom.

My Mom had an enormous heart filled with passion, compassion and empathy. It’s ironic that in the end, it was her heart that failed her, because it was her heart that drove her every act throughout her life.

She had unselfish generosity. She never took the easy way out by spending 30 seconds to write a check to a cause; she gave her time through blood, sweat and tears to every cause she ever participated in…and there were so many.

My Mom taught us never to do anything “half baked.” She never “just brought cookies” — she brought cookies, on a creative themed plate, with a complimentary garnish, wrapped in pastel cellophane, with a handmade bow, and an ornament on top!

She was amazingly kind to everyone. She taught us never, ever under any circumstances to be mean to anyone or make-fun of anyone. Moreover, we were taught that if someone was being picked on that we should go over and help stand up for that person. She really was a champion of the underdog, whether it was a family in need or a political candidate. Perhaps this was because she was often the underdog.

My Mom had an outstanding work ethic. Whether working in Dukakis’ pressroom, organizing an event for the League of Woman Voters or holding a sign at the polls, she went above and beyond the call. Although she only stood 5’ 1/2” she stood up for what she believed in and made her opinion heard. Her conviction made her a well-known character in the political community and the town of Westwood, the place she called home for 35 years. Throughout those years, she was often seen buzzing around town in her distinct vehicles: an early 70’s, white convertible sedan with a Sugar Daddy melted in the back seat, a green hornet hatchback wallpapered in Dukakis bumper stickers, or her first new car— a Geo Metro egg-mobile with yard sale finds or political signs sticking out of the back.

She had unrelentless perseverance and an ability to forge ahead regardless of what life dealt her. As a single mother raising 3 children in the early seventies, she faced many obstacles ranging from financial constraints to the judgment of others. She never went around an obstacle; she went right over them maintaining her dignity and pride throughout it all. She was a single working Mom well ahead of the times.

And finally, my Mom’s devotion to her children was truly extraordinary. We always absolutely, unequivocally came first. She always put our needs ahead of her own. If we needed a new pair of winter boots and the car needed new tires, we got the boots. This could explain why so many of her cars were in such dire straights.

Growing up in an affluent town like Westwood in a family situation where our finances were somewhat constrained had the potential to create a negative situation. We never knew the difference. We were well cared for and more importantly, well loved. We were told we could do anything with our lives and there were no bounds to our dreams and goals.

Her daughter Deirdre (or Dee Dee as my Mom called her) is the spitting image of my Mom and boy did she love to hear someone say that. All of the attributes I just mentioned live within Deirdre. As a Mom, Dee Dee faced every parents fear…the possibility of losing a child. Yet drawing on the strength, courage and perseverance instilled in her by my Mom, she navigated it all with amazing grace. And like my Mom, she never lost sight of others in need, often bringing food for the families of other cancer patients who may have not had a home-cooked meal in months.

My Mom was so very proud of her son, Brendan. They really grew quite close over the last couple of years, a gift she treasured. Brendan too has an amazing ability to persevere through much adversity. His devotion to his daughter, Angela, is at the heart and soul of his world. Everything Brendan does is centered around Angela’s needs. Seeing him as a Dad brought so much joy into my Mom’s world.

My Mom would be disappointed if I didn’t mention my partner Ginny. She was like a daughter to my Mom and they were exceptionally close. Two weeks before my Mom became ill, she told me, “you are so lucky to have Ginny in your life. She is so thoughtful” then she paused and added “and she sends thank-you notes for everything!” When we brought my Mom home from the hospital on that Sunday, Ginny was with us and stayed 24 hours a day until the end. She was there holding my Mom’s hand telling her she loved her as she took her last breath.

My Mom was the quintessential Nana. Bar none! She drew such delight from her seven grandchildren: Julia, Shaun, Patrick, Jay, Charlie, Angela, and Trey. Whether it was putting a 16-foot inflatable Easter bunny that she got at a yard sale for 25 cents on her lawn, or leading a parade of kids with hats, horns, costumes, and flags— she truly rocked! Her spirit lives on in each of her grandchildren and I’m sure it will be passed on to their children. Her influence is eternal.

Her first grandchild was my daughter Julia. You would think my Mom won the lottery the day Julia arrived. My Mom always noted how beautiful, smart and respectful Julia was, even though she has entered those rebellious teenage years. We had a lot of fun having Julia stand next to my Mom because she was now taller that her Nana….given my mother’s height, this was no great feat, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. Among all her other qualities, Julia inherited my mom’s attention to detail. When Julia needs to do a project for school, it’s not a poster board with magazine cut-outs glued on it, it’s a full blown, fully integrated muliti-media execution including audio and video elements.

With the birth of her first grandson Shaun, she again marveled in his arrival. She always noted how handsome and kindhearted Shaun was. She often told the story of how we were cleaning Shaun’s room one day and he said, “I think I have too many toys, can we give them to those families and kids who don’t have a place to live?” Wonder where Shaun’s heart came from? Starts with “N” and rhymes with Hannah. The other story she loved to tell was one I shared with her following a parent/teacher conference at Shaun’s school. His teacher said, “If I had a classroom full of Shaun McGovern’s I would be the happiest teacher in the world. He’s so respectful and kind.”

Next to arrive was my son, Patrick. And arrive he did. My Mom always noted what a loving, funny character he was. She said he was always the first to meet her at the door and give her a big hug. Sound familiar? The day my Mom suffered cardiac arrest, Patrick had spent the whole day swimming at her pool. As a matter of fact the last words she spoke to me before her collapse were when she laughingly told me how she had asked Patrick a question and he went on and on and on with his answer. “That kid talks forever” she laughed. The gift of gab was yet another thing he got from his Nana.

Following my 3 children came Dee Dee’s boys Jay and Charlie. Nana always commented on how cute and thoughtful Jay was. When Jay found out Nana was in the hospital, he asked his Mom if she wanted to bring Nana his coloring book to make her feel better. At preschool Jay is cited as being the first to help someone in need or to go help someone who may be being picked on. Hmmmm…wonder where he got this. My Mom also loved to be needed. For the first 3 months of Jay’s life he was colicky, so my Mom would show up at Dee’s house at 6:00 a.m. and watch Jay all day while Dee slept. Allegedly she had this experience because I had colic, but that allegation has never been proven.

And then there was Charlie. A common term used to describe my Mom and one she used often to describe Charlie was “hot ticket.” From Nana Charlie received his courage. He is the bravest little boy on the planet and drew on tremendous strength and courage to overcome the cancer that was trying to take his life when he was only 6 months old. As a little fighter, he did things his way and under his terms, in the same way my Mom approached her death. The cardiac arrest should have taken her life immediately. Every doctor from cardiologist to neurologist viewed her as a miracle. She gave us three weeks and the opportunity to tell her we loved her, share a few laughs and comfort her. She didn’t leave until she was ready and under her terms. Makes me smile just to think about it. Additionally, Charlie shares my Mom’s fondness for being a bit stubborn. If it’s not his way, it’s the highway, a plan my Mom followed often.

The next grandchild was Brendan’s daughter, Angela. Angela is a sweetheart and like her Nana, quite the “fashonista.” Aside from Nana, nobody could wear pink like Angela. Angela had a room in my Mom’s house that was the perfect little girl’s room. It rivaled anything in Pottery Barn, yet my Mom made it for a fraction of the cost by leveraging her immense creativity. Thank God for Angela. My Mom loved dressing her in little girl’s clothes. This was great therapy for my Mom. I don’t think she ever fully recovered from finding out that as a child, I hid the white go-go boots she gave me between the walls in our house. She always wondered where they went. Anyone who knows me understands I would rather have been climbing trees than wearing go-go boots.

Her youngest grandchild was my partner Ginny’s son Trey. Because she cared for him weekly, he was a big part of her world and she of his. We often joke about how Trey learned to say “Nana” before he learned to say “Mama.” Our fondest memory of Nana and Trey is how she always insisted on rocking him to sleep when it was time for his nap and then she would never put him down after he fell asleep. She preferred to hold him because she felt he would sleep better and because she just loved him so much. Sometimes she held him for hours. Ginny and I had a quote we used often - “Thank God for Nana.” She was always there when we were in a pinch.

Here are a few final humorous thoughts we all have of our Mom and Nana:

• Lists, lists and more lists.
• When she was not pleased with something, it was eye roll, shoulder shrug and the comment “whatever.” Dee has mastered this habit.
• For as empathetic as Mom was, she could never understand why, after spending 12 hours working in 90-degree weather as a landscaper, Brendan did not want to come home and mow the lawn.
• Anisette cookies with the eggshells in them.
• She always insisted Dee loved Italian food even though she hated it.
• We always had Rum cake for all our birthdays. Every year we would proclaim, “Mum we hate rum cake” and every year she, year after year she said, “Really, I thought you loved it!”
• She brought a Jell-O mold for every holiday, nobody ate and it hurt her feelings, so Dee would always cwalf down a piece to make her happy.
• Always smile at a complete stranger.
• Always spend more than you can afford – another trait Dee has promised to carry on!
• Politics: can anyone guess what party she supported?
• At Christmas, my Mom would hang ornaments from each doorframe. The problem was they were hung with her clearance in mind and the rest of us would crack our heads on them over and over again.
• Lipstick, never without it
• 3 sips of wine and she was toasted.
• Best house on Halloween and always-delivered candy in costume.
• Love of the beach, sun & lobster – the offer of a 2lb lobster temporarily brought her out of a coma.
• Never swam a stroke but bought a house with a pool.
• Never believed the expiration date on dairy product really mattered.
• Taught every kid in Cloverland, our neighborhood growing up, how to sing “kumbaya.”
• One year she did the entire house in pink including all the bulbs and bows on the Christmas tree.
• Party days with flashlights.

The dignity and grace by which my Mom sailed through life has left a wake of beauty across the many hearts she touched. She spent her entire life dedicated to God, so we know she is in a wonderful place with him. Knowing my Mom, she’s probably already in the midst of planning her “arrival” party and playing the role of Nana to the many children who have passed before her. May she rest in peace yet enjoy every minute of the wonders of eternal life. We love you, miss you, and look forward to seeing you again.